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30 Days of Thankfulness in 13 Minutes

I am already getting annoyed by the syrupy love-fest being barfed out all over Facebook by the 30 Days of Thankfulness people.  Seriously, I have to come up with something every damn day for 30 days? Ummm... no.  There is just not that much niceness going on over here.  So I thought I would see how much I could pump out in 13 minutes.  Ready?  Here we go...

1) I am thankful for maxi pads. No explanation necessary.

2) I am thankful for being short because I can't see myself in the bathroom mirror unless I jump.  Which means exercise AND entertainment. Score!

3) I am thankful for the little things.  Like money.  Lots and lots of money!  Oh wait, I don't have any of that.  Poop.

4) I am thankful that my kids have all their fingers and toes.  Seriously, I knew a girl in grade school who had no bones in her toes.  GROSS!

5) I am thankful to have a husband who is just as sick and twisted as I am.  And who is still employable. I am actually jealous of that guy.  Never mind.  Not thankful.  Just jealous.

6) I am thankful for having experienced several floods in my house.  I think being knee deep in sewer water adds character I would not otherwise have gained.

7) I am thankful for WINE!

8) I am thankful for this new laptop. (See God Works In Mysterious Ways).

9) I am thankful for having parents who somehow did not eat their young.  And some how managed to escape our childhood without us eating them... because I am hoping for a mad payoff when they kick it.  Just sayin'.

10) I am thankful for my scorching wit, my perfect boobs, and my Herbal Essence commercial-like hair.  I don't actually have any of those things, but...

11) I am thankful for delusions of grandeur.

12) I am thankful for WINE!!

13) I am thankful for chicken.  The food not the animal.

14) I am thankful for electricity because what the poop would I do with out The Real Housewives of Atlanta?

15) I am thankful for being patient, kind, and understanding.  (See 11).

16) I am thankful for Neil Diamond, arguably the greatest musician of all time.

17) I am thankful I got Neil Diamond to give me a personal autograph... made out to #NOTME

18) I am thankful for donuts and... yeah, donuts. Mmmmm... I need a donut.  Why don't we EVER have any fricking donuts in this house!!!

19) I am thankful for WINE!!!

20) I am thankful for Spanx.

21) I am thankful Spanx makes a size big enough to squeeze my ass into something that resembles a watermelon as opposed to the Space Shuttle Atlantis.

22) I am thankful for peace on Earth.  Haa Haaaa Haaa... like that will ever happen.

23) I am thankful for having good, honest, wholesome friends, who all have Twitter handles like @superdouche, @crotchbiscuit, @Imagoodlay, and @asshat.

24) I am thankful for flowers because they smell good AND they look pretty.  And I'm pretty sure my mom is allergic to them, which means they are also a great Mother's Day gift.

25) I am thankful for WINE!!!!

26) I am thankful for Jurassic Park because it gives me hope that someday they may be able to reincarnate me into a dinosaur.  Wait, Mr. Martini says that's not the way that works...

27) I am thankful for having a know-it-all husband who will definitely be my first target when I become a Velociraptor.  They travel in packs, yo.

28) I am thankful for ghettonese.  Look it up.

29 I am thankful for Legos because nothing is better than breaking your face after stepping on them in the dark.

30) I am thankful for that good ol' Midwestern nasal drawl.  It sounds so wholesome and stupid at the same time.  I'm even more thankful now that I have a hybrid Midwestern-Southern drawl.  You can't even make-up that kind of stupid.

31) YEAH BABY!! You're only doing 30 cause you're sticking to the days.  I can do what I want because I just said I'd spend 13 minutes...

I am thankful for having two absolutely beautiful, funny, smart, and capable children who humble me everyday with their sheer awesomeness.  I am thankful for finding the man of my dreams, and having the balls to take the leap with him when everyone else had doubts.  Words can not express how thankful I am for him.  I am thankful for a home, for heat, for clean water...I am thankful we have those things, because I know some do not.  I am thankful that there are 24 hours in a day, because that means you get to start over at least every 24 hours. And lastly, I am thankful for you, my reader, who make my attempt to become a writer something that is not quite as laughable as it once was.  Although, I guess, the jury is still out on that. ;)

And now that all my Facebook friends have de-friended me for being a hater... what are YOU thankful for? 


  1. I love you! I am thankful for twitter for meeting you and finding this blog. Kindred spirits! Oh, and I'm thankful for WINE...

    1. Me too! If there is anyone called @asshat, they are going to get a whole lotta spamming. From me :)

      Now I'm gonna interwebs stalk you! Thank you so much for stopping by!!

  2. Thank you so much for swinging by the More Than Mommies Mixer! We are also thankful for Wine!

    Hope you will swing by again next Friday and link up! We'd love if you would share the Mixer with your readers, too! The more the merrier!

    1. Thanks so much for hosting it! Seems like it had a good turnout, and I love that is a little bit of an amalgam of stuff (i.e. not all recipes, quilt patterns, etc.). I am sure I can get a couple more gals to drop by next week and share their ridiculousness too. I will definitely be there!

      And thanks for stopping by!!

  3. A-freaking-men!!! I am thankful for this post and I'm still coming over so get more wine!

    1. I am on hold with the winery down the street... I want to see if we can have a direct line set up attached to our faucet. #WineParty at my house!!!

  4. I'm still laughing! Love your sense of humor! New follower from November Blog Hop @Bloggymoms - Reia from

  5. LMAO ..... I'm a new follower stopping by from the BloggyMoms blog hop.

    1. Hi Tonya! Thanks for stopping! I have a lot of blog reading to do, which is great, 'cause I have writers block. Unless you think people will want to read my to-do list. Which includes awesome stuff like: change of address form, cancel exterminator, wax mustache, forward work email to, replace sugar in shaker with salt (payback for not getting up with the baby is a bitch, Mr. Martini)...

      Glad you found me!! Come again!

  6. OMG. Found this via Twitter and I might have just peed a little laughing. Great stuff!

    1. So glad you found me! It's funny, 'cause I always replay to twitter followers with outlandish things. I think I told you that it is in fact my mission to make you wet your pants with my hilarious antics, so I think we will be fast friends ;)

      Thanks for stopping, and come back again!

  7. This is fabulous! I love it. I posted it on my FB page and someone DEFRIENDED me!! hahahaha!! Because I was "mocking" their "heartfelt traditions." Ummmmm .... posting on FB is a heartfelt tradition? Bitch only joined FB two years ago! Still ... I heart this so hard.

    1. OMG!! I'm a dick... I'll be following you momentarily to make up for the lost friend! But yeah, what kind of crotch gets offended at funny? Those people are the ones who cry in their wine. Me, I drink that shit up!!

      And you weren't mocking her... I was. And I'll do it again!!

      Thank you for posting my ridiculousness, and thank you for taking the shrapnel like a champ. I'll be your new friend. Just FYI: I come with a bag of crazy and a barrel of wine. :)

  8. This posts sounds like we may be long lost relatives because I feel the same way.

    1. MY PEOPLE! Come from the Appalachian Mountains. Some have 11 fingers, if you know what I mean ;)

      Thanks for stopping by!! And come back for another cup of crazy when I post about how my children like to make poop sculptures... and I let them.

  9. THIS. IS. AWESOME. I love that you did this in one post.

    And I'm so thankful for wine myself.

    You always make me laugh!!! It seems my "subscribe by email" attempt failed last week so I have missed a bunch of posts. :( I was just thinking, "how come she's not writing" and then headed on over here to discover I'm just a cluster and didn't subscribe properly!!!

    1. Ruh Row... you gotta let me know if the feed is busted on your end or mine so I can get it fixed. I thought it was working, but I don't want to miss a single opportunity to clog up someone's feed or email with my craziness.

      As always, I love that you visit! Come again. I'll bring the wine (God knows, you may need it to get through some of the garbage I litter around here ;)

  10. Replies
    1. Thanks so much for stopping by, and reading my craziness!


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