Who Needs Pants When You Have Ham Hock Legs?

It has come to my attention that I'm surrounded by needy bastards.  People who need time, people who need attention, people who need money, people who need approval, people who need a good kick in the pants... and to be perfectly honest, I have become really, really, annoyed.

This little personal epiphany may seem trite or obvious to some; just walk into a Walmart and you'll see a gaggle of mouth-breathers  surrounding the free yogurt sample chick screaming "Pick Me, Pick Me!!".  I mean, intellectually I know this neediness thing is nothing new.  I see it at least once a week... at the Walmart.  But it has become like nails on a chalk board to me, where I used to be able to let noise like that just roll off my back.  I think the real reason all this neediness has pissed me off to such a considerable degree is because I keep my needs and wants to myself.  Mostly in an effort to be low maintenance. My mother will begin raucous laughter here.  To which I respond, just wait until nursing home time.  Muhauuhaahaa! 

So I thought, since we're all being so damn self-involved here, that I would share a list of my secret needs and wants.  This may or may not be something you'll want to print and post on the fridge as a Christmas list.

NEEDS:
1) I need pants.  There, I said it.  I don't have one goddamned pair of pants that fit.  Not one.
2) I need more money for the finer things in life.  Like pants.

WANTS:
1) I want pants. That fit.

2) I want more money. For pants.  That fit.

3) I want some stability.  This will be the 7th time I have moved in the last 6 years.  I just want to settle down. I'm hoping this is it, seeing as how I am going to set myself on fire like a protesting monk if the subject of moving is even broached in my house within the next 5 years. I hate fire.  So yeah. Stability now!

4) I want to feel appreciated.  This is probably something every mom/wife can identify with.  I do your laundry.  I make your dinners. I do the dishes, clean move stuff around the house, make sure you have books to read and toys to play with. I clean your poop. And on top of all I do for you, I take care of our children.

5) I want some friends.  Like, real ones.  I haven't put much stock in the whole friendship thing since all mine dumped me during my divorce, but I realize that having someone to vent to is clearly a good thing.  But really, maybe not (see needy bastards above).

6) I want to be needy without feeling selfish.  If I have learned one thing from all the needy bastards out there, it is this: It's okay to think about "you" once in a while. That is something I need to work on (maybe this should go on the Need list?).

7) I want to be nicer. But only to a select few.  I am actually too nice to most people.  In fact, I can't think of a single person that deserves more niceness from me.  Just forget number 7.  Dick.

8) I want to know that my kids are going to be safe, happy, and strong.  I do my best everyday to make this happen, and every night I pray to God that he'll/she'll intervene and make sure I don't turn them into needy little bastards.  See, no matter how hard you try, you will always feel like you're not mom-enough.  I want to feel "mom-enough".

9) I want to get a real haircut.  I have cut my own hair for the past 5 years, and I started because I couldn't understand why I was paying someone $90 every six weeks to make me look like Harry from Dumb and Dumber.  I can do that for free.  And although I give myself the best haircuts I have ever gotten, it is a week-long process.  And I don't even have pants. Why the hell would it make sense that I spend that kind of time on something no one will ever notice?

10) I want one of those Roomba robot vacuums.  Mine broke and the floor is a mess.

11) I want my ankles back.  Every day I put on shoes and think about how I once had cute girly legs.  Now I have ham hocks. And ham hocks stuffed into Nike's is not a look I would recommend for anyone.  Especially for someone wearing no pants.