This little personal epiphany may seem trite or obvious to some; just walk into a Walmart and you'll see a gaggle of mouth-breathers surrounding the free yogurt sample chick screaming "Pick Me, Pick Me!!". I mean, intellectually I know this neediness thing is nothing new. I see it at least once a week... at the Walmart. But it has become like nails on a chalk board to me, where I used to be able to let noise like that just roll off my back. I think the real reason all this neediness has pissed me off to such a considerable degree is because I keep my needs and wants to myself. Mostly in an effort to be low maintenance. My mother will begin raucous laughter here. To which I respond, just wait until nursing home time. Muhauuhaahaa!
So I thought, since we're all being so damn self-involved here, that I would share a list of my secret needs and wants. This may or may not be something you'll want to print and post on the fridge as a Christmas list.
1) I need pants. There, I said it. I don't have one goddamned pair of pants that fit. Not one.
2) I need more money for the finer things in life. Like pants.
1) I want pants. That fit.
2) I want more money. For pants. That fit.
3) I want some stability. This will be the 7th time I have moved in the last 6 years. I just want to settle down. I'm hoping this is it, seeing as how I am going to set myself on fire like a protesting monk if the subject of moving is even broached in my house within the next 5 years. I hate fire. So yeah. Stability now!
4) I want to feel appreciated. This is probably something every mom/wife can identify with. I do your laundry. I make your dinners. I do the dishes,
5) I want some friends. Like, real ones. I haven't put much stock in the whole friendship thing since all mine dumped me during my divorce, but I realize that having someone to vent to is clearly a good thing. But really, maybe not (see needy bastards above).
6) I want to be needy without feeling selfish. If I have learned one thing from all the needy bastards out there, it is this: It's okay to think about "you" once in a while. That is something I need to work on (maybe this should go on the Need list?).
7) I want to be nicer. But only to a select few. I am actually too nice to most people. In fact, I can't think of a single person that deserves more niceness from me. Just forget number 7. Dick.
8) I want to know that my kids are going to be safe, happy, and strong. I do my best everyday to make this happen, and every night I pray to God that he'll/she'll intervene and make sure I don't turn them into needy little bastards. See, no matter how hard you try, you will always feel like you're not mom-enough. I want to feel "mom-enough".
9) I want to get a real haircut. I have cut my own hair for the past 5 years, and I started because I couldn't understand why I was paying someone $90 every six weeks to make me look like Harry from Dumb and Dumber. I can do that for free. And although I give myself the best haircuts I have ever gotten, it is a week-long process. And I don't even have pants. Why the hell would it make sense that I spend that kind of time on something no one will ever notice?
10) I want one of those Roomba robot vacuums. Mine broke and the floor is a mess.
11) I want my ankles back. Every day I put on shoes and think about how I once had cute girly legs. Now I have ham hocks. And ham hocks stuffed into Nike's is not a look I would recommend for anyone. Especially for someone wearing no pants.