Blogger Widgets


It's a Hawaiian Delicacy!

Photo graciously lifted off the net from here.

During the time I was a missing person in the blogosphere, I'm proud to say I have developed quite a following.  Of spammers.  Particularly ones that own websites about payday loans.  Not sure why they see my blog as the perfect space to peddle their wares, but the joke's on them!  I don't get a paycheck!  Duh.

Anyway, I thought I'd share some of the gems I have found while cleaning up the spam.

First, I found out my blog is listed in Yahoo News, from a lovely Anon who left me this: "Wonderful blog! I found it while searching on Yahoo News. Do you have any suggestions on how to get listed in Yahoo News? I've been trying for a while but I never seem to get there! Appreciate it Here is my weblog; xxxxx"
That's cool.  The specific article in reference: Drunk Mommy.  Not sure that's the kind of news I want to be known for, but hey, I'll take any kind of publicity I can get. **And oh, by the way, I am not listed in Yahoo News.  Fucking liar.

I got a lot of compliments on the design of my blog too.  "Fascinating blog! Is your theme custom made or did you download it from somewhere? A design like yours with a few simple adjustements would really make my blog shine. Please let me know where you got your design. Cheers. Also visit my weblog xxxxx".  See, I don't buy into this, as spammers are the online equivalent of a guy at a bar... they try to woo you with compliments and drinks until your panties drop off and you click their virus-laden link.  But I did get a couple of these remarks, so thanks!  And yes, I designed this dress myself ;)

These spammers have gotten smart too.  They know blog owners will delete irrelevant comments immediately, but they are still lazy and don't want to take the time to actually read anything you write.  The solution, this: "Wow that was odd. I just wrote an extremely long comment but after I clicked submit my comment didn't appear. Grrrr... well I'm not writing all that over again. Anyhow, just wanted to say fantastic blog!  Also, visit my blog xxxxx".  It's almost like this one went to college for a couple months. Brilliant little liars.

I also love the foreign comments.  Some of them are in languages I can't read (I'm sure they are all incredibly substantive), but some are some-what understandable.  Like I understand this person thinks I am slightly full of shit, "Thankѕ a bunch for sharing this with all peоple. You reаllу unԁerstand what you're talking about approximately! Bookmarked."

And then there are the spammers who clearly have no concept of reality, making statements about the "great information" I provide, or that they get "valuable knowledge" from my blog.  "I think the admin of this wеb sіte іѕ genuinеly working hard for hіs wеb site, sіnсe here eveгy stuff is quality based informatіon".  Hey, heads up... I blog about mostly crap.  Smelly pencils, poopy diapers, back alley physicians, and snot.  If this is informative to you, you need to go back to community college.

And I got one total bitch. "The verу next time I read a blog, Ηopefully it does not faіl me just as muсh as this ρartіculaг one. After all, I know it waѕ mу choice to read, nonethеlеss I gеnuіnely bеlieved yоu'd have something useful to say. All I hear is a bunch of whining about something you can fix if you weren't too busy seeking attеntion.  Review my website xxxxx (short term loan site)".  Something I could fix with a short term loan, right. Of Course!!  If spamming blogs with niceties doesn't work, you should try sprinkling in some insults.  Reverse psychology.  Brilliant. 

I love it when spammers let you know how they found your site, you know, so you can use that information in your targeting and marketing, n' stuff.  "I saw your blog while searching on  Do you know of a few information on how to get indexed in I've really been intending to for quite a while but I never seem to make it happen. Appreciate it.  View my blog xxxx".  See, you are absolutely right, you did find my blog while searching my blog.  And I have no idea how you'd get indexed on my blog, since it is a fucking blog!!!

And my all-time favorite!  A spam comment about avoiding spam comments!  Tricksey little Hobbit ;) "Hi, i read your blog occasionally and i own a similar one and i was just curious if you get a lot of spam remarks? If so how do you protect against it, any plugin or anything you can advise? I get so much lately it's driving me crazy so any assistance is very much appreciated.  Also visit my web blog xxxxx".

I am going to leave all spam remarks that are received on this blog post remain in tact because I know that you, the three people who actually read this blog, will appreciate the irony. Also, because I am going to say right here, if you spam my blog you are going to get hit with the fiery fist of pain, and your dog will run away, and your wife will cheat on you with a dealer at an online casino. In other words, you're a loser.

Spam at your own risk.


I'm Back, Yo...

photo graciously stolen from here

So I'm back.  Which is actually harder than one would think.  I haven't written a thing aside from a check in 7 months.  (For those of you who currently live in the 21st century, a "check" or "cheque" is a thing that comes in a packet and is fake money. You write a dollar amount on them and give them to check-out-people at stores and they let you walk away with stuff).   And I know it was a sudden ceasation.  I was just overwhelmed.  And then depressed.  I'm still overwhelmed and depressed, but I drink a lot more now so I've got it all under control. 

A lot has happened since I last wrote.  I had monkey #3 in February, and since then I have not slept more than 48 hours in sum and have drank approximately 165 bottles of wine. The big fat ones.  For those of you mathletes, I now have a 6 year old, a 22 month old, and a 5 month old.  That equals 99 months of successfully keeping other humans alive. Yay me!  However, no matter what, someone always smells like urine.  Meh.  It's funny... when you have one newborn, you bathe him everyday, and change his outfits the moment a speckle of drool hits his shirt.  When you have three, they are lucky to get a bath once a week.  And by "they" I mean all three, together, in one big nasty germ-laden cesspool of nastiness and bubbles. And they only get a new outfit when you must leave the house (which is never, because how the hell could you manage that total public nightmare)?  My sons look a bit like orphans.  Or like Adam Sandler from the movie Big Daddy is raising them.  Dirty feet and matted hair, and at least one typically has on some kind of bizarre costume piece (like a Batman belt, or Ninja Turtle mask).  Mini Monkey leaves a trail of stickiness everywhere he goes.  Silly Monkey has worn the same jammies for two days.  Meh. It could be worse. 
At least they're happy.

 Let me tell you, three boys is WAY harder than two.  I had no idea what I was getting into.  This is a real full-time job, and part of the reason I haven't written is because I have been struggling with coming to terms with that.  See, before Baby Monkey arrived I was a WAHM.  I ran a business full-time out of my house.  A successful one, at that.  I was in magazines and shit.  But it was hard.  I often had to wake up at 3am to get to work, and worked well after the kids went to bed, and many hours in between, but I made at least $3.76 per hour, so it paid off.  Now I am too lazy to get up at 3am (likely because I don't actually get any sleep until then) and someone is always in constant need of butt wiping.  I simply don't have the time in the day to be an income producing member of this family.  Which has been hard for me to deal with emotionally, and financially.  It's been hard for both Mr. Martini and I.  Everyday I feel pulled between trying to be a good mom, and trying to help support our family.  And I have come to the realization that I am failing at both.  It has been very stressful, and I have decided that instead of doing both poorly (being a stay-at-home mom and working full-time), I'm going to start doing one at least moderately better.  So I have decided to start focusing on what's important by putting my kids to work instead. 

 I can focus all my efforts on supervising their income producing activities.  And from here on out, they must all be income producing.  No more reading for entertainment.  Nope.  You're gonna read into a tape recorder so I can sell the audiobook of Spongebob Squarepants and the Temple of Slime.  No more playing with Legos just to exercise your imagination.  You're going to build this 14,000 piece Eiffel Tower so we can sell it on Ebay.  No more dancing or singing because you're happy.  You will dance and sing on this youtube video in the effort to get people to buy our "3 Monkey's and a Martini Sing-along CD", with popular hits like, You Spin Me Round, by Flo Rida, Baby Got Back, by Sir Mixalot, and "I'm Back", by Eminem. You will not draw because you like to create things, you will now draw things that can be sold on our soon to be up-and-running Etsy site. Things like giant scribble wine glasses...

They will have to go door to door selling T-shirts like this one (available in the 3 Monkeys Boutique):

And in addition to making my kids childhood as lucrative as possible, I also intend to start doing more DIY projects, like this one...

which should be hilarious, since I rock at Pinterest posting and suck at Pinterest projects. 

I will also be sharing recipes, as well as tips and tricks for the kitchen.  Like how to save time grocery shopping by getting your meals to come to you, like this...

So be ready to jump on board this crazy train as it leaves the station yet again. 
I am not a stay-at-home-mom, I am a manager now, monkeys! And I will manage the shit out of this house!

Share The Crazy!!!