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WTF Friday: Episode 6

The Bloggess, Liquor Store Doctors, and Leprosy

WTF Photo

Welcome to the sixth episode of WTF Friday at 3 Monkeys and a Martini!

As you may know, there has been a no-pants saga which has recently ended due to the purchase of several ill-fitting pairs of Target pants.  Hey, they may be too long and they may Add-A-Dick-To-Me with their lumpy crotchness, but they are pants.  And they are all mine!  Muuhhuuuaaahha! 

It is truly amazing what a pair of pants (and a new sweater or five) can do for your self esteem.  I've even showered in the last two days!  And I plan to go out of the house... in public... to buy food.  And I am not even going to go to Walmart.  "Whoa, slow down!  Don't get crazy on me," you may be saying, but my new pants have created a monster.  I may even slap on some mascara and bronzer.  Look out Mr. Martini, I am on the prowl.  Meeoow!

But seriously, I think my Target pants have helped me become somewhat acceptable.  Or at least not toxic.  I say that because I woke up to this in my in-box this morning:

The Blogess Follows Me On Twitter

Her highness The Bloggess, follows me on Twitter!  WTF?  Have I made it or what?  Nevermind she follows like 18k other people.  And nevermind she will never read my blog. And nevermind the fact that this will never result in a dime in my pocket.  It is still pretty damn awesome.  I still think pants are overrated, but maybe, just maybe, these new pants will open some doors for me.

Speaking of doors...

Aside from that nugget of awesomeness, I have been feeling quite crappy.  I went to a "doctor", which is an indication of the seriousness of my feeling of crappiness since I only go to a doctor when a human being begins to protrude from my vag.  This "doctor" was actually a Voodoo Priestess/nurse practitioner/wholesale meat distributor whose office was located in the back of a liquor store.  Hey... I have a high deductible.  I gotta do what I can to save on healthcare costs.

So I see this woman right after a man with what appeared to be leprosy jumped off her examining table.  I tell her my ear hurts.  I have a sneaking suspicion she has yet to wash her hands as she grabs a used Kleenex to wipe off her ear-looky-inny-thingy.  I am fairly certain at this point my ear is going to hurt a hell of a lot more in the days to come, judging by the left-over ear on the floor from the leper guy who just left.  I tell the kids to cover their mouths, and for all that is good and holy, do not touch ANYTHING!  As a reward for good behavior, you will receive a Purell bath upon exiting this facility.  Hope you have no open wounds.

Turns out, all the backaches, headaches, coughing, swollen glands, and ear pain are benign symptoms of nothingness.  See, there is clearly nothing wrong with me.   Silly me.  "Use wam compress on both side of head.  Gargol wit sal wotor" she says.  Gargle with frickin salt water?  What, am I Amish?  What the frig ever happened to Zithromax?  I came here for one thing, and one thing only.  Drugs.  And judging by your clientele you have access to the good stuff.  Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme. 

So yesterday I spent the bulk of the day on the couch with a heating pad pressed up against my ear, one of those self-heating backache wrap things tied around my neck, a bottle of Tylenol stuffed in my bra, and I guzzled sal wotor once an hour until I puked.  And guess what?  I still feel like crap. 

Ironically, I just received a follow-up call from said Voodoo-meat distributor nurse.  I said I still feel like crap, and consciously coughed into the phone.  Her response, "Oh... take cuple mo day to feel bettah."  Thanks.  Bitch.



  1. Add a dick to me- bwahaha! That kinda made my day. :) Happy #MTMMixer!

  2. I've had the same damn pain in my ear for the past 3 weeks..... We should just invent a new syndrome for our symptoms.

    1. I don't know what it was, but I was miserable. And not like a wussy-husband-sick, like a "OMG, I think I'm dying" kind of sick. Thankfully, I'm feeling better now. And it doesn't seem like anyone else got it.

      Ear pain is the worst!!! Take some Tylenol, strap a heating pad to your head, and tell everyone you quit for the week.

      Hope you feel better and come back again!

  3. I have felt like crap for 2 weeks. Yet nothing is wrong with me. What is all this stuff coming out of my nose then?

    1. There seems to be a mom-disease going around. Why the hell hasn't it been formally diagnosed and treated with a mandatory spa day and a big ol' bottle of wine... at a bed and breakfast... alone, I just do not know.

      We need to spread the word about this horrible disease and it's cure.

      Hope to see you again soon, and hope you feel better too!

  4. I might put on mascara! Ha, you crack me up crazy lady.

  5. Sorry you're not feeling could always try a mustard plaster or poultice (whatever the hell those are). I myself prefer Fearless Fred's Two-Hat Method of curing colds. You need a four-poster bed, a hat and a bottle of booze. Put the hat on the bedpost and drink until you see two hats. You still are sick but you don't care.

    Oh, and I'll be happy to remove your dick when I come for a visit.

    1. I think the Two-Hat Method is the best method ever. I am a strong believer in internal cleansing by way of alcohol poisoning.


  6. You're being followed by The Bloggess? WOW! You're like a celebrity and all. Here I was so excited because Amber Dusick (Parenting Illustrated With Crappy Pictures)liked my Facebook posts, which were actually shares of her own blog posts. I was still excited, as my husband rolled his eyes at me... Your news is much better...

    I like how you think! I did the MTM Mixer for the first time this week and I love your blog! As Arnold says in the Terminator movies: "I'll be bach!" (As in back not the composer, you just have to imagine me saying it with an Austrian accent, of course I don't have a man voice, or am a great big Austrian former governor with big muscles, or a man for that matter, or oh never mind... you get the idea...)

    1. So glad you stopped by!! I have been such a bloghole lately... I can't believe it's been like two weeks (maybe more) since I've really been on the internet. I guess that is a product of the fact that I can't really figure out how to set up my computer (yesterday I was using three... 2 with internet access and the one with the docs I needed with none... PITA!!). In anycase, I'll be making the rounds over to Sadder But Wiser momentarily ;)

      Stop back again!


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