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So I've been lost. Totally, and completely mentally lost. And when that happens, for some reason I come here. I like to make people laugh, even at my own expense. But I don't get paid for it, and that just plain pisses me off. I've thought about starting a YouTube channel where I will attempt to give make-up tutorials based on YouTube make-up tutorials. See... no matter how good the directions are, when I do my eye makeup (especially when I try to do fancy make-up using instructions from a gorgeous make-up pro) I end up looking like a cross between a large breasted dude who has just begun to dip his toes in the tranny pool and a Kardashian who has fallen off the wagon into a pool of whiskey and bad decisions. So, I think it could be epic good fun.
Anyhoo... Feeling utterly lost and confused, I popped in to this blog, eyes half-covered ready for someone to spit at me. But all I got was a post from over a year ago titled "I'm Back, Yo" (Hahaha... I lied ;) And coincidentally (or is it ironic) this blog was started 1 year and 364 days ago today! Hmmm.... so, two years ago almost to the day I had initiative. I thought "if you write it, they will come" (or at least stop by accidentally and hopefully snicker or giggle a little. For a minute). I was full of anticipation of baby #3, hilarious antics from baby #2 and kid #1, and drive to make this blog into something. Or to at least score some free swag (I HATE THAT WORD, BTW. But if you have some, gimme gimme gimme!!). And speaking of free stuff... check out the fabulous giveaway from Citrus Lane here! Digression complete....
And then shit got real. Financial troubles, instability, unscrupulous influences, and a new baby. By May of 2013, I felt completely defeated. My business was failing because I couldn't devote 60 hours a week to my clients, and I felt like I was failing at being a mom of three gorgeous boys because I was spending too much time with my clients. And I was definitely failing at being a good wife. A sleep-deprived, malnourished, aggravated raccoon with a penchant for pinot grigio... I had that down to a science. But being a good, loving, supportive wife and mom... not so much. Shit had to change.
So I made the difficult decision to close my business and focus on the family. That was only made possible by the promise that my husband would actually get paid what his contract said he would get paid (which, let me tell you, unless you can afford a decent attorney, means less than the napkin it is written on). And at first it was pure bliss. I spent two weeks decompressing and slinking into my new role as SAHM. YAHOO!!! Stay At Home MOMMY!! Bon-bons and day drinking and cooking elaborate meals using gastomolecular techniques that would eventually lead to a multi-year contract with the Food Network. I would teach my kids french and Spanish, and have them engineer their own tree house out of recycled pallets from blueprints found on Pinterest. They would learn to crochet and dance and chop wood. And perhaps even grow mustaches by the year's end. I had big dreams and I was STOKED!! WHOOT WHOOT!!! I'm a stay-at-home-mommy, I'm-a-stay-at-home-mommy (to the nah nah nah nah boo boo tune)!!
But, wouldn't you know that shit isn't all sunshine and rainbows and kegerators filled with wine? I feel kind of worthless. In a very material sense. See, before I contributed financially and now I simply spend. And I know my job as a mom and wife is a big one, and I have no idea how we would keep it together if I worked outside the home, especially since any back-alley butcher-shop willing to hire my crazy ass would likely pay in sides of beef, which the Kindercare will not take as remuneration for their daycare services (their "Company Policy" or whatever). I wipe butts and clean, and play and clean more (although you wouldn't know it since this place looks like a rat's nest and smells like curdled milk tastes), and laundry (oh, laaauuud... the LAUNDRY is INCESSANT), and I cook (sometimes 10 different meal preparations a day... these people are spoiled), and then there is the coloring, the painting, the singing and dancing, and grocery shopping (NOOOO!!! Please don't make me take the children!!! PLEASE, for the love of all that is holy and good!!!), the scolding, the homework help, the brawl-break-ups, the bedtime stories.... And I am also the psych department, the infirmary, the sex kitten, and the fantasy football brah. By choosing to be a SAHM I chose to devote myself entirely to my family. ENTIRELY. And yet, I still feel materially worthless, like I contribute nothing because I don't deposit a paycheck. And feeling like that pisses me off. Have you ever wanted to slap the shit out of yourself? Yes. That.
So today, 1 year and 364 days after jumping into the blogosphere and eventually climbing out soaking wet without a towel in a poopy-colored swimming suit with a full-coverage ass and soggy pancake boobs, I am recommitting myself to Three Monkeys and a Martini. Because it is mine. It is entirely for me. And it may not pay me (although, I am totally for that happening), but at least it can maybe, hopefully, even just a smidge fill in this very real void I feel. It may be selfish, and I may seem ungrateful, poor pitiful me, and whatnot. And if you believe that, poopy-colored swimsuits to you. I don't give a damn. Because this is for me. And I deserve it.
So, with that, I will say, I'm REALLY Back, Yo! And I have no idea what direction this is going to go. I'm not sure what I want this blog to be anymore. But I do know that I will figure that out. And I will do it with horrifically bad contouring make-up, leopard print slippers, a push-up bra, and wine in a coffee-cup. Because I'm already home, so I can go big if I wanna.