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Drunk Mommy

So I am fuming about having to take a completely unnecessary early blood glucose test because ONE of my poo-poo head doctors is shocked that I am actually gaining weight during this pregnancy. Yes, I make a big deal that one of them (at least) is a poo-poo head because I actually have three doctors.  "Why, you must be super rich like Beyonce or or that Snookie?" you say.  No, quite the opposite.  Rather, I have 3 frickin doctors because the bumpkin office I go to thinks you get better care being passed around like a drunk college freshman than you do being nurtured and looked after by a single care-taker. 

As I am fuming about the whole damn thing, I am reminded of a time around a year and a half ago when I was too-big-to-see-my-crotch pregnant with Mini Monkey and had to rush out to Walmart. Yes, I said Walmart.  See, the little bumpkin town I live in doesn't have much in the way of options. And to be honest, going there makes me feel better about myself and my life. Anyhoo, I'm in the freezer section and reach into my front pocket, or attempt to.  See, as I was rushing to get pants on my gianormous self, I managed to put them on backwards.  Big old ass pockets in the front and crotch pockets in the back.  Even at Walmart that ridonk is not good. And no, I didn't leave in a hurry like most sane people would.  I just kept on truckin' looking like happy drunk mommy, giggling to myself the whole time. 

So when I go to take this useless, waste of time, waste of money test on Monday, I'll be sure to wear a dress, because although I know they already think I am a fat, pregnant cow, I certainly don't want them to get on my ass about being a fat, pregnant, drunk cow.  I get enough of that from Mr. Martini.


  1. This is what I have been searching in quite a few web pages and I ultimately identified it right here. Wonderful post. I am so impressed. Could under no circumstances imagine of these a point is attainable with it…I imagine you have a excellent information in particular while dealings with these kinds of topics.

  2. Thanks so much for reading! I'm not sure excellent information is what I give...I'm not sure I want that kind of pressure ;) But the weirdness of life that we often just accept and forget are the kind of things that make me giggle, so I just want to share my own bundle of craziness, peppered with my successes and failures at being a mom and a wife. you never get to read aout the failures, and really, that's what we all secretly want to hear about. At worst it will piss people off, at best it will make someone laugh. I hope more for the latter. Thanks for stopping by!

  3. There you go, being hipper than anyone! Who knew that the backwards pants trend started at a small-town Walmart?


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