Blogger Widgets

11/27/12

WTF Friday: Episode 5

An (Almost) Pants-less Moving Day

 


Man, it seems like a decade since I last had a second to write.  And I have missed it so much.  I have even been punishing myself by being a twitterhole since I've been such a bloghole lately.  What is a twitterhole or a bloghole?  Someone who rarely participates in either.  And there is always hilarity going on in the blogs I follow, and the antics from the people I follow on Twitter make a pants-less life worth living, so I've been really punishing myself. 

But we were moving.  And as you likely know, moving S-U-C-K-S.  Like, a lot a bunch.  And one would think with all the experience I have, I'd be good at it.  Yeah, not so much.  You may have read my last post about needing pants.  Let's just say on the day of the big move (which was actually more like 64 hours) I found myself with literally no pants.  None.  Mr. Martini and I had gotten up at 5am to make one last packing push before the movers got there, and upon looking around, panic ensued.  I think the words were, "Why the falafel haven't we packed yet!!!??!!" (except I never say falafel).  And a frantic, sweaty, panicked, craze-induced frenzy of dumping drawers, and toys, and file cabinets full of junk into random un-marked boxes began.  During the madness, I had found a clean pair of yoga pants (ill-fitting of course, but clean) that I quickly pulled aside and put on top of a box while running to the bathroom to pee and brush my teeth.  When I exited, my pants were gone, and there were about 400 newly packed anonymous boxes standing tall as a disheveled Mr. Martini continued throwing random crap to and fro. 

"Where the hell are my pants?", I yelled.  Now mind you, I had already thrown the 3-day-old-funked-up-pants I had been wearing into some other random box filled with dried flowers, some hood ornaments, kitchen utensils, an accordion, and Twizzlers; which was of course, no where to be found.  And by that time, neither was Mr. Martini.

Ohhhh shazam!  You can imagine the fury.  I mean, come on!  I had just recently written about my lack of pants and how mad it makes me.   And now you literally take the only clean pair of ill-fitting pants I own away on a day when strangers will see me, and I already haven't showered in three days?  So I did what any gal in my position would do... stormed around the house in my under-roos swearing like a sailor, throwing things around like a spoiled 3 year old.  Oh yeah... and the reason I was so pissed was because I also had to give a presentation at my son's school that day.  Score!

My husband doesn't read my blog, but he had been made aware of the no-pants post.  He KNOWS!!! When I finally confronted him, his sweaty, befuddled look told me everything I needed to know: "I don't know where the hell your pants are, and to be honest, I don't give a damn."  Luckily I found the three-day-old-funked-up pants I had been wearing, so I slapped those on.  I Fabreezed myself before heading over to the school, and stopped at the store on my way for cupcakes.  I figured if a smelly, un-make-uped, dirty, almost pants-less mom walked in to my school with cupcakes, all I'd remember is that she was awesome.  So I gave it a shot.  I think it worked, although I did try to keep my distance.

---

This move was surprisingly smooth.  Our movers were super fast and even charged less than they estimated, and that NEVER happens.  We even got the house mostly cleaned out for the new owners. But because we don't like to do anything the easy way, like a bunch of dumbasses we had the power shut off just so we would have to scramble around in the dark with flash lights trying to hide things we couldn't illegally dump (sorry about that broken crib you guys will eventually find in the potting shed... and the four full trash cans.  And the garage full of paint. Oh, and that broken jogging stroller... Whoopsies ;) 

So, we're all moved into our new house, which I love.  I have never actually said that about a house that I live in, so that is kind of a big deal.  We even had a lovely make-shift Thanksgiving dinner, and we are slowly unpacking all the random boxes of crap.  Life is starting to normalize.

And guess what?

I still haven't found any damn pants. 

12 comments:

  1. So sorry to hear that you are still having issues with pants. However, wanted to thank you for outing yourself as someone that packs at the very last minute and throws a bunch of random crap into unmarked boxes. I am guilty of the same. I'm thinking we may need to form a support group of some kind.
    Sorry/Thanks for the laugh at your expense :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We tried to pack in advance. I had over 40 boxes packed in advance! But that morning, we looked around and it was like nothing had been touched. All our clothes, closet crap, bathroom stuff, knick knack paddy whacks... my whole office (which was a bit like what would happen if a Michael's craft store was ransacked by thieves). So yeah... back to the old fashioned way of doing things.

      Delete
  2. Old Navy is having a 20% sale today and tomorrow. I can email you the coupon. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're hilarious! All their pants are "Add-A-Dick-To-Me" pants. You know, when the crotch all bunches up and it looks like you have a johnson. But I'll take it ;)

      Delete
  3. Pants are stupid. Just grow your leg hair nice and long and fluffy-like. Insta-pants.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would... but as hard as I try, I got nothing. Something about this pregnancy. I haven't shaved in two weeks and it's like I had 'em waxed yesterday. Wish that was the case for the hoo-ha that hasn't been landscaped in several months due to the fact that I can't see it, but whatev's. I'll take what I can get ;)

      Delete
  4. I'm with Sue on this. Leg hair is so underrated. P.S. You're so falafel funny I can hardly take it ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Jen! I've been trying to tone down the language at the bequest of my in-laws (actually, advertisers), but I must say... things like "falafel" get edited in only after the naughty original post is written. I yam what I yam ;)

      Delete
  5. Sorry to laugh at you. No, I'm not. Thank you for sharing so that I could laugh at you. I enjoy knowing I'm not the only lunatic in the world who wears the same pants for three days and screams and yells.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't be sorry... I am a dirty lunatic, and we are made to be laughed at. I only wish (no I don't) that I captured all the crazy on film. I would for sure have a more entertaining blog. Although, no one would want to see my pants-less ranting and raving. Or maybe...

      Delete
  6. Is it wrong that I found this hilarious? :) Glad it all worked out and you're loving your new house! Maybe some shopping is in order?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thanks for stopping!!

    My goal is to give other people a chuckle from the ridiculousness of my life. I laugh a lot too. I'm typically drunk, but whatever. ;)

    And I finally DID go shopping!! Now I have two ill fitting pairs of pants that are about 8 inches too long. But hey, at least I can leave the house without fear of being arrested for indecency.

    Come again soon!

    ReplyDelete

Tell me what's on your mind!

Share The Crazy!!!