Blogger Widgets

11/5/12

How To Build a Better Blog By Being A Narcissistic Ass

So in my short time as a blogger, I have learned a lot.  I have learned  there are a lot of "tricks" you need to know in order to get people to notice you.  For instance, you need to read other people's stuff in order to get people to read yours.  It's kind of like a carrot and stick thing.  I give a carrot by reading your blog, leaving a nice note and casually requesting you come visit me (by putting a giant link to my blog on yours, which you promptly delete).   And then you get hit in the face with a plate full of crazy and a side order of hot mess when you come to read mine.  Hopefully you laugh.  Maybe even sign-up for the feed so you never miss a single spastic piece of word vomit that gets posted here.  That is when a blogger knows they have really scored; when someone willfully signs up for your spam.  Last I checked, I have a couple of handfuls of poor fools who have done that .  Each of you will be getting a Christmas card and one of my son's lost teeth on a chain you can proudly wear around your neck.  Oh, and a bumper sticker that will in no way encourage cops to pull you over for drunk driving.

This little cat and mouse dance has been going on since time immemorial (or at least since Gore invented the internet).  So I've been reading a lot of other blogs lately. A LOT.  Most suck, I'm not gonna lie.  But some are pretty damn awesome (check my list of favorites in my footer for a sampling).  Some even actually get people to pay to advertise!  Like The Bloggess.  How the badonk she does it, I don't know.  I mean, she is hysterical, there is no doubt. But people love her so much that companies will spend over $500 a month to advertise this:
 
Cat and mother-loving dog wigs.  I am not kidding.  She is that good.  And it makes me really. Really. Jealous.
 
But in addition to the carrot and stick, there are also social media obligations. I started a Twitter account, which is hands down WAY more awesome than Facebook (sorry Zuckerburg).  Facebook is to a prayer book what Twitter is to porn.  So you can probably guess which one I am better at.  And in starting a Twitter account to get some exposure, you must first seek out people you think may be similar to you (i.e. twisted, possibly unemployed, drunks) and harass them until they give in and start following you in return, in the hopes that you'll leave them alone.  Or to voyeuristically watch the train wreck of your life unfold 140 character snippets at a time.  I love Twitter. 
 
More than just Twitter and beating people with your craziness when they drop by, you must also realize that if you are going to be successful, you must be vulnerable.  Some people fail at this and hide behind their quilt patterns and pickling recipes.   You will never be The Bloggess.  Martha Stewart, maybe.  And to each their own... the interwebs is big enough for all (which is what makes it such a beautiful place).  My kind of crazy may not be your flavor of vodka.  But it is mine.  And I'll share it to anyone who wants a sip. 
 
I started this blog thinking I would create a sort of catch-all imperfect mother blog, with recipes and DIY projects, and silly posts that show me bumbling around trying to be a good mom.  Yeah, that lasted a week.  I don't give a poop about how to clean your oven or pumpkin bread (notice I've written about both).  But it wasn't until I finally got the courage to write about something that was "me" that I realized you can't do this trying to predict what other people will want.  You've got to just write from your heart and if someone wants to read it, awesome.  And if someone doesn't, they can shove it.  We are all narcissists at heart, whether you're writing about yourself or writing about building a fort with Popsicle sticks. We all think what we have to say is for some reason important.  I think it is important to laugh, so that's what I try to do.  Make people laugh.  But the bottom line is, I re-read my shit and I laugh.  And that's really all that matters. 
 
That, and getting someone to pay me $500 to advertise cat and mother-loving dog wigs.  Seriously.  That woman is unbelievable.
 
~ This post was inspired by a post I read this morning from a good blog.  You can check it here.
 
And now that I have probably offended half of the blogging community, feel free to litter my comments section with your back-links.  I won't even delete 'em.

33 comments:

  1. Hit the nail on the head. Now go read my blog! ;) Actually, seriously. I chronicle how I got on Twitter specifically to get The Bloggess' attention, because if I could get a miniscule fraction of her readers, I knew I was set. And man, I have met a lot of great people on Twitter! I think it is THE place to go for bloggers in particular. The crowd you meet, though, being a lawsbian is definitely a hot mess of crazy. But a good hot mess of crazy! ;) Keep it up!

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    1. Hot mess of crazy for sure. I found my club. It only took thirty....er twenty six years to find. And I was already blog-stalking you this weekend. That's how I came across the bloggess's dog wigs and even checked to see if she still follows you (which she does... bitch ;). But I will be back this afternoon to see what kind of crazy is new in Borgland.

      Thanks so much for stopping by!

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  3. I freaking love this! Love. You summed up like...all my hopes and dreams and stuff i have done too. Totally tried to be sweet, then diy-ish in a grownup way, then was like what the poop...i'm me. I suck at most stuff, but heck if i don't love my kids (when they're sleeping) and my husband (when he isn't trying to have sex with me) and our life (whe i'm drinking). You are awesome. Adding you to my blog roll and following when i get on my computer!

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    1. It would be a boring place with out your "What the poop?". You are seriously one of the funniest people I have ever met in my life and I'm honored to have you read my poop ;)

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    2. Ahahah! You are awesome :) I already decided you need to live next to me. Because that's not weird at all.

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  4. It truly DOES feel like such a game doesn't it. I wish I understood how to play better and am so, so jealous of the Bloggess too. How in the world does she do it?!

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    1. She gives out free cocaine to subscribers. I've seen it happen. I can't afford cocaine... you think used Kleenex will work? It has my DNA, so maybe one day you can clone me into a Velociraptor... wait. Damn! I don't get genetics.

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  5. People like you and me do exist. We'll have small followings. But our fans will laugh at our drunk antics and disgusting dickery and our hilarious shenanigans. Oh, and our vulgar mouths. Yup. We are funny, but only to other crazy, hot messes.

    Love your blog! You do make me laugh.

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    1. Your use of the word dickery alone makes knowing you worthwhile. Not to mention you're hilarious! I am finding that there are a whole lotta crazy hot messes out there. And since finding that out, the normals just piss me off even more.
      Thanks for stopping by!!

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  6. Twitter really is an awesome collection of crazy, isn't it! About two weeks ago I noticed that The Bloggess followed me. For a moment I was all, "HOLY SHIT! The Bloggess followed ME?!" Then I noticed she also follows over 18,000 other nut bags on twitter. Yeah. Perspective.

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    1. Hey... it's the tiny victories. I mean she's got almost a million nut bags following her and she choose you to be in her elite group of crazies. Wear that badge with pride. In fact, I am going to make a badge for your blog that says The Bloggess follows you. Street Cred.

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  7. LOVE this. It's soooo true. The game seems kind of ridiculous at times, and at other times it seems like a fun challenge (at which I generally feel like I'm failing miserably at). BTW, you are hilarious.

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    1. Thanks Laura! There is a challenge... to get people to listen is more difficult than trying to get them to give you money. By the way, I take donations. Funny clearly won't ever pay the bills. Note to self: Add "Donate" button to blog.

      Thanks for stopping!! Come back soon for another cup of crazy ;)

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  8. hahaha! I clicked on your link you left on my blog and damn it if my next post wasn't a recipe! SORRY! haha! Thanks for the shout out, your method worked though. I'm now following your bad ass blog.

    And fuck zuckerburg!

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    1. Hi Whitney! Thanks for the follow :) I don't have anything against recipes (I am, after all, a domestic goddess), it's just that every time I make one with the intention of posting about it, it turns into a "Look how fucked up my cake is" post. Nothing is more depressing than sharing the fact that your 1 year old had a meat cake for his birthday because you forgot to wear your glasses when reading the recipe. So yeah, that's out the window.

      Come back next week for my family meat cake recipe exchange. :)

      And I'm glad I happened upon your blog! Keep it up!

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    1. Hey Patty,

      Mmhmm... dog wigs. You want one? I can point you in the right direction, but you can't buy one here since I don't warrant that kind of advertising cred yet.

      As always, I love that you read my blog. I also love that you say fuck. And you're my mom.

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  10. This right here. I love it. BIG TIME. That is about all I can say, except that Facebook really isn't as bad as you think it is. It just takes time.

    Love, love, love and I thank you for coming over to see me!

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    1. Thanks for stopping by my little piece of crazy! I'm by no means new to facebook... I used it with some success for my real job (which I just quit 'cause I can't get off the damn twitter). But it just seems like people are less willing to interact. Plus with all the changes (i.e. pay to play, etc.) I just think it's losing it's usefulness as a marketing tool. THAT SAID: I hope all of you stop by and like my page ;) http://www.facebook.com/3MonkeysandaMartini

      It's always a party in Monkeyland, so come by and have a cup of crazy with me!

      And I've added you to my feed so I'l never miss what's goin' on at YKIHAYHT!!

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  11. You're are so right AND so damn funny! I'm on a little vacation right now and I'm suppose be watching or playing with my kids, otherwise I would sit here and fill this comment box with witty compliments. Ugh. My daughter just hit her head on the hotel room's headboard. Honestly.

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    1. Hi Kim! I'm so glad you like it here in Monkeyland! My son has gotten in the habit of purposefully banging his head on everything... the sliding glass door, the table, my knees. I hope this isn't an indication of future intelligence. Perhaps I should get a helmet?

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  12. OMG, I love your posts! You are freaking hilarious!!!

    It took me a long time to figure this whole blog thing out. I was writing about my everyday experiences as a mom and realized how extremely boring my posts were. So now I just write what comes to mind, and I find I enjoy it better and people seem to come back for more. Funny how that works.

    Awesome post, and so glad you're on Twitter as you always crack me up.

    As for Facebook . . . I concur.

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    1. Hi Dani! There's always a glass of wine for you here at The Monkey House. I love your blog, so whatever you're doing, keep doing it. Everyday can be boring... I mean, it is called "Everyday". But I figure if you are slightly twisted, you can turn that ho-hum in to a hum-dinger (symbals clashing at my stupid joke ;) I've got a lot of blog reading to catch-up on, and Theme Thursday is coming up... and it's about sex! Whoot Whoot! But I don't have any of that. Damn.

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  13. HAHAHAHAHAHA! I am so excited for tomorrow's post. It's going to be awesome! Oh, and just so you know, the error with my subscription to your blog was on my end. I think. I'll let you know if I start getting emails of your posts. If you don't hear from me, we're good. If you do, well, then you have some 'splaining to do. :)

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  14. I could't have said it better seriously and I love the Bloggess and am secretly so jealous of her, but alas you are right we will never be her. That said again you are right about being honest and just being yourself. If someone chooses to read, then that is a score I guess. Found you on the More than Mommies Mixer and am now following you on Facebook and Twitter, too. Hope you can come visit my blog at http://janinehuldie.com and hit me up with a follow, too if you like :)

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    1. HI Janine! Thanks for stopping by! It's like a weird mix of (bad) luck and skill. I was reading up on Dooce too (as an aside, I can't stand her; The Bloggess is da bomb)... she sort of fell into popularity as well. It all seems to be a product of having bad things happen to you, and then writing about it.

      I'm just not sure I want to be that guy. I'd rather write about non-sense, even if it means I'll never get a following. I guess I'm just surprised that it seems like the majority of people want to read about people struggling through hardships. I'm not sure I understand the psychology. I get it for a short time, but when you run a blog for 10 years and the whole thing is a pity party, I'd think it would lose it's appeal. But what the hell do I know?

      I'm off to blog stalk you now :) Thanks so much for taking a moment to stop by!

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  15. That cat is freaking me out. The thought of people who buy dog and cat wigs is freaking me out a little. The person who decided making dog and cat wigs could be a successful business idea I am a little in love with and want to kiss.

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    1. I am a little in love with them too. I appreciate anyone who can find a niche market and exploit it. I had no idea there were people our there who would buy that crap. Although, I am not a pet person, and word on the street is that pet people can be obsessed. Maybe I should get into the "freaking weird things people will by for their pets" business. I could make fake mustaches. I think that would be popular ;)

      Thanks for stopping by!!

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  16. I've been resisting twitter (I think it's the thought of one more time sucker!) but you've inspired me :-) Can't wait to read more from you!

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    1. Hi Meara! Thanks for stopping by! You've got to try Twitter, although it can be addictive and a major time-waster. But it is a pretty effective marketing tool... and you can meet a lot of cool (read: NutBall) people/bloggers who are simply hilarious! Start and account and look me up @3Monkeysandmom and you can be part of all the ridonkulousness that are my random thoughts.

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  17. The more I come back and read your posts, the more I want to skin you and wear you like my robe. (I wear my robe most of the time when I'm home. It's called a housecoat somewhere on this planet for a reason, right?)
    Do you think that you might shrink in the dryer? Like: Would I need to hang you out to dry? Or would it be more of a lay flat and reshape kind of deal?
    You know what? Never mind. I don't read the labels anyway. You're going in the dryer.

    I'm SUPER-DEE-DUPER behind on my blog-stalking lately, and have been just clicking, reading, and moving on. *ugh! I am such a douche canoe.* But I'll be back again, and again, and again because if you hadn't yet gathered, I kind of freaking love you...

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    1. Hi Jen! Believe it or not, that is not the first time someone said they wanted to wear me like a suit. :)

      I am way behind too. Douche canoe numero uno right here. I post at blog hops and don't even read more than three... Yeah, that's okay, cause like this post says, it doesn't work anyway ;)

      But I miss the funny! Can't wait till after the holidays when things settle down again. They do settle down, don't they?

      Thanks for stopping, and come by again when you get a chance. I'll be blog-stalking you momentarily.

      Shit. I guess it does work. Damnit.

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