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11/19/12

Who Needs Pants When You Have Ham Hock Legs?

It has come to my attention that I'm surrounded by needy bastards.  People who need time, people who need attention, people who need money, people who need approval, people who need a good kick in the pants... and to be perfectly honest, I have become really, really, annoyed.

This little personal epiphany may seem trite or obvious to some; just walk into a Walmart and you'll see a gaggle of mouth-breathers  surrounding the free yogurt sample chick screaming "Pick Me, Pick Me!!".  I mean, intellectually I know this neediness thing is nothing new.  I see it at least once a week... at the Walmart.  But it has become like nails on a chalk board to me, where I used to be able to let noise like that just roll off my back.  I think the real reason all this neediness has pissed me off to such a considerable degree is because I keep my needs and wants to myself.  Mostly in an effort to be low maintenance. My mother will begin raucous laughter here.  To which I respond, just wait until nursing home time.  Muhauuhaahaa! 

So I thought, since we're all being so damn self-involved here, that I would share a list of my secret needs and wants.  This may or may not be something you'll want to print and post on the fridge as a Christmas list.

NEEDS:
1) I need pants.  There, I said it.  I don't have one goddamned pair of pants that fit.  Not one.
2) I need more money for the finer things in life.  Like pants.

WANTS:
1) I want pants. That fit.

2) I want more money. For pants.  That fit.

3) I want some stability.  This will be the 7th time I have moved in the last 6 years.  I just want to settle down. I'm hoping this is it, seeing as how I am going to set myself on fire like a protesting monk if the subject of moving is even broached in my house within the next 5 years. I hate fire.  So yeah. Stability now!

4) I want to feel appreciated.  This is probably something every mom/wife can identify with.  I do your laundry.  I make your dinners. I do the dishes, clean move stuff around the house, make sure you have books to read and toys to play with. I clean your poop. And on top of all I do for you, I take care of our children.

5) I want some friends.  Like, real ones.  I haven't put much stock in the whole friendship thing since all mine dumped me during my divorce, but I realize that having someone to vent to is clearly a good thing.  But really, maybe not (see needy bastards above).

6) I want to be needy without feeling selfish.  If I have learned one thing from all the needy bastards out there, it is this: It's okay to think about "you" once in a while. That is something I need to work on (maybe this should go on the Need list?).

7) I want to be nicer. But only to a select few.  I am actually too nice to most people.  In fact, I can't think of a single person that deserves more niceness from me.  Just forget number 7.  Dick.

8) I want to know that my kids are going to be safe, happy, and strong.  I do my best everyday to make this happen, and every night I pray to God that he'll/she'll intervene and make sure I don't turn them into needy little bastards.  See, no matter how hard you try, you will always feel like you're not mom-enough.  I want to feel "mom-enough".

9) I want to get a real haircut.  I have cut my own hair for the past 5 years, and I started because I couldn't understand why I was paying someone $90 every six weeks to make me look like Harry from Dumb and Dumber.  I can do that for free.  And although I give myself the best haircuts I have ever gotten, it is a week-long process.  And I don't even have pants. Why the hell would it make sense that I spend that kind of time on something no one will ever notice?

10) I want one of those Roomba robot vacuums.  Mine broke and the floor is a mess.

11) I want my ankles back.  Every day I put on shoes and think about how I once had cute girly legs.  Now I have ham hocks. And ham hocks stuffed into Nike's is not a look I would recommend for anyone.  Especially for someone wearing no pants.

17 comments:

  1. You are exactly the right amount of nice to me.

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  2. I hope you're happy. You just made me spit my Sprite out in a fit of laughter. I can totally relate to you on the pants! And yoga pants do not count as real pants. If we're not counting yoga pants, I have two pairs of maternity jeans (my son is a toddler now) and 4 pairs of ill-fitting "slacks" for work that I loathe. I hope life brings you at least 3 or 4 of the things on this list. Sounds to me like you deserve 'em all though! Fan-freaking-tastic post!

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    1. HI Jen! Thanks for dropping trou, er... by ;) Yes, the pants fiasco has hit a new low. We've been moving for the past couple days, and on the day of the big move (moving truck, final clean-up, 36 hours of hell), I pulled out a pair of ill-fitting but clean yoga pants to wear for the foreseeable future (and seeing as how the ill-fitting dirty pants I had on were crusted with 3 days of funk, I really needed them). I turn around, and in a flurry of frantic last minute packing, Mr. Martini packed them away never to be seen again (at least not for days). I have never in my life wanted to break a window because of pants. Funny how unexpected events can change your needs and wants... because at that moment I really wanted to break a window, and I really, really needed pants.

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  3. OMG, I just bought my first pair of pants that Fit! My son is nearly 13 months old. I went to the store almost as soon as I decided I was going to buy them so I wouldn't find something more important to spend the money on. cuz that's what I always do. I feel you, hope you get everything on your list!

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    1. Thanks so much for dropping by! It's strange how when you become a mom, even necessities... like pants... become little luxuries. We no longer have time or the patience to shop for ourselves. And we tend to put ourselves on the very end of the list of things that are important. We must collectively stop this insanity! Without us, the world would not revolve. We deserve some damn pants! I am totally starting a movement. ;)

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  4. Raucous laughter, indeed, but not for the reasons you think. Bill Cosby said it first: the Mother's Curse works (i.e. "One day I hope you grow up and have children JUST LIKE YOU"). It's an ass-kicker for the cursee and a source of delight for the curser. But nobody who's walking around with Cheerios stuck to her shirt is high maintenance any more, honey. I feel ya.

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    1. I've never been high maintenance, Ma. Not Ever.

      Raucous laughter commences...

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  5. Awww... My wish for you this holiday season is Peace, Joy, and Pants. :)

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    1. Kim... you have inspired my Christmas Cards for this year. Not sure if the photo should be of the family wearing each other's pants, or just pantless... I don't think I can get Mr. Martini on board for the latter. Hmmmm... whiskey. That'll do it ;)

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  6. I loved this post!!! I'm 5 months post pregnancy. None of my shit fits! Happy Thanksgiving!!!

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    1. Thanks for stopping by, TJ!

      Happy Thanksgiving indeed! I don't know about you, but I love Thanksgiving because elastic pants are totally acceptable, and those are the only kind I have. ;)

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  7. Hugs, dear. And, yes, like everyone else, I'd send you pants.

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    1. What I need is to move to Bora Bora where pants are optional year round. Problem solved. :)

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  8. Great post! I so hear you - everybody else in this house always comes first and they don't even realize it, which is the most annoying part!! So when I try to do something for myself, they all act like I'm kray kray!! As for pants, I wore my husband's jeans after both of my pregnancies until mine sort of fit again, although with my daughter it became shorts season and there are plenty of really ugly elastic waist shorts to be had. When you do finally buy yourself some pants - and dammit, you deserve them - beware the ones with stretch. Some of them don't bounce back after you sit down and they you have odd lumps in your knee and ass areas. NOT pretty.

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    1. Hey Soni!

      Thanks for stopping by! I actually feel kind of spoiled re-reading this (back to the "we don't deserve it" syndrome caused by motherhood). And I felt really bad yesterday when I came home with bags and bags of pants. That's right, lady! I did it. FINALLY got some pants. Of course I am certain I will run into the problems you mentioned above about baggy knees and ass. In fact, one pair in particular are "Add-a-Dick-to-Me" pants, a look which is not particularly attractive for anyone, but especially not for an orca-sized pregnant chick. But hey, they are pants, and they sort of fit, and they don't smell. Yet. ;)

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  9. I have 3 kids. 11,6 and 2. I have gone from almost 200lbs all the way down to 165 and the only thing I own is sweatpants. I am on the pant wagon with ya Ma, fo sho!

    I say one should only be nice to others that are nice to you, otherwise I say f*ck it! But maybe thats just me... ;)

    ~Jessie

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    1. Hi Jessie!

      Thanks for stopping by! I finally broke down and bought some pants... but I think I will still live in sweats. Pants truly are overrated ;)

      I agree on the niceness thing. When I was young I was kind of a bitch to everyone, then got older and got nicer, and now I'm feeling like I need a little bitch back. There is a fine line between being accommodating and being a chump. I'm no kinda chump ;)

      Hope to see you back here soon!

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