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I'm Back, Yo...

photo graciously stolen from here

So I'm back.  Which is actually harder than one would think.  I haven't written a thing aside from a check in 7 months.  (For those of you who currently live in the 21st century, a "check" or "cheque" is a thing that comes in a packet and is fake money. You write a dollar amount on them and give them to check-out-people at stores and they let you walk away with stuff).   And I know it was a sudden ceasation.  I was just overwhelmed.  And then depressed.  I'm still overwhelmed and depressed, but I drink a lot more now so I've got it all under control. 

A lot has happened since I last wrote.  I had monkey #3 in February, and since then I have not slept more than 48 hours in sum and have drank approximately 165 bottles of wine. The big fat ones.  For those of you mathletes, I now have a 6 year old, a 22 month old, and a 5 month old.  That equals 99 months of successfully keeping other humans alive. Yay me!  However, no matter what, someone always smells like urine.  Meh.  It's funny... when you have one newborn, you bathe him everyday, and change his outfits the moment a speckle of drool hits his shirt.  When you have three, they are lucky to get a bath once a week.  And by "they" I mean all three, together, in one big nasty germ-laden cesspool of nastiness and bubbles. And they only get a new outfit when you must leave the house (which is never, because how the hell could you manage that total public nightmare)?  My sons look a bit like orphans.  Or like Adam Sandler from the movie Big Daddy is raising them.  Dirty feet and matted hair, and at least one typically has on some kind of bizarre costume piece (like a Batman belt, or Ninja Turtle mask).  Mini Monkey leaves a trail of stickiness everywhere he goes.  Silly Monkey has worn the same jammies for two days.  Meh. It could be worse. 
At least they're happy.

 Let me tell you, three boys is WAY harder than two.  I had no idea what I was getting into.  This is a real full-time job, and part of the reason I haven't written is because I have been struggling with coming to terms with that.  See, before Baby Monkey arrived I was a WAHM.  I ran a business full-time out of my house.  A successful one, at that.  I was in magazines and shit.  But it was hard.  I often had to wake up at 3am to get to work, and worked well after the kids went to bed, and many hours in between, but I made at least $3.76 per hour, so it paid off.  Now I am too lazy to get up at 3am (likely because I don't actually get any sleep until then) and someone is always in constant need of butt wiping.  I simply don't have the time in the day to be an income producing member of this family.  Which has been hard for me to deal with emotionally, and financially.  It's been hard for both Mr. Martini and I.  Everyday I feel pulled between trying to be a good mom, and trying to help support our family.  And I have come to the realization that I am failing at both.  It has been very stressful, and I have decided that instead of doing both poorly (being a stay-at-home mom and working full-time), I'm going to start doing one at least moderately better.  So I have decided to start focusing on what's important by putting my kids to work instead. 

 I can focus all my efforts on supervising their income producing activities.  And from here on out, they must all be income producing.  No more reading for entertainment.  Nope.  You're gonna read into a tape recorder so I can sell the audiobook of Spongebob Squarepants and the Temple of Slime.  No more playing with Legos just to exercise your imagination.  You're going to build this 14,000 piece Eiffel Tower so we can sell it on Ebay.  No more dancing or singing because you're happy.  You will dance and sing on this youtube video in the effort to get people to buy our "3 Monkey's and a Martini Sing-along CD", with popular hits like, You Spin Me Round, by Flo Rida, Baby Got Back, by Sir Mixalot, and "I'm Back", by Eminem. You will not draw because you like to create things, you will now draw things that can be sold on our soon to be up-and-running Etsy site. Things like giant scribble wine glasses...

They will have to go door to door selling T-shirts like this one (available in the 3 Monkeys Boutique):

And in addition to making my kids childhood as lucrative as possible, I also intend to start doing more DIY projects, like this one...

which should be hilarious, since I rock at Pinterest posting and suck at Pinterest projects. 

I will also be sharing recipes, as well as tips and tricks for the kitchen.  Like how to save time grocery shopping by getting your meals to come to you, like this...

So be ready to jump on board this crazy train as it leaves the station yet again. 
I am not a stay-at-home-mom, I am a manager now, monkeys! And I will manage the shit out of this house!

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